克
里斯汀・贝克(Kristen Becker)有三个孩子，一份在家里做的生意，还有一位身患残疾的母亲和自己住在一起，在这样的情况下，她常常会任由脏盘子和脏衣服堆积如山。她说，我一点儿也不在乎又脏又乱。可她的丈夫在乎。
Matt Vincent
他有时会迫使妻子变得更整洁一些，比如他会只整理双人床上自己的那一边，把厨房桌子上散落的杂志和帐单堆成摇摇欲坠的一摞，或是把妻子小山式的脏衣服在房间里搬来搬去。
而贝克太太则以把东西堆得更加壮观进行回击。不过有一天，她再也忍不住了。厌倦了丈夫不断的整理和擦拭，她决定颠覆丈夫井然有序的生活。
趁着丈夫上班的时候，贝克太太重新"整理"了丈夫的衣柜──把衬衫、裤子和运动外套乱七八糟地扔在一起，把拖鞋和靴子配成双，把凉鞋和休闲皮鞋配成对。她把卫生间里丈夫的洗漱用品来了个大搬家，把件夹里的纸张拿出来，然后放到另外一个套子里。
贝克太太今年39岁，家住马里兰州克罗夫顿，在家经营着一个网上礼品店。她说，太棒了，我是在报复他一直以来强迫我保持东西干净整齐。（她的丈夫马上又把一切恢复了原位。他拒绝就本文接受采访。）
在脏乱与整洁之间的大战中，哪一方该获胜呢？邋遢鬼是否应该学习变得更整洁？还是洁癖鬼该放松一下？
有洁癖的人会告诉你秩序是世界运转之道──每个东西都有一个位置，每个位置都要有标签。他们常常感觉有责任为自己的伴侣收拾残局。更糟糕的是，他们认为自己在道德上占有优势。
不过邋遢的人也不好过。他们为没有保持整洁而感到愧疚。对被更刻板、更苛刻的人所控制感到愤愤不平。讨厌不想打扫的时候却必须去打扫，忍受拒绝打扫后对方的暗示和唠叨。（给我丈夫的提示：我认为没有你，我就活不下去，不过你整理自己那一半床，我会试着离开你也能生活下去。）
加州圣罗萨的39岁供应链分析师戴夫・布鲁克(Dave Brooke)说，我患有慢性再整理压力综合症。当一件原本在A处的物品出现在B处的时候，就会毫无预警的发病。作为与一个爱干净的人生活在一起的邋遢鬼，他的处境比大部分人都要糟糕：他的女友是个职业整理者。他说，让地方看起来漂亮整洁是件美妙的事，不过我找不到东西了。
Kristen Becker
克里斯汀・贝克只整理他自己那半边床
不错，你理解的没错：如果你不小心的话，你生活中最重要的关系的精髓就只剩下一只脏袜子。
你一定想避免发生这样的事。不过如何避免呢？
问问布伦达・普拉坎斯(Brenda Plakans)和吉姆・罗格维(Jim Rougvie)，这两人已经为在对待整洁的态度上较劲多年了。普拉坎斯说，我很爱干净，而他则完全不是这样。她住在威斯康星州贝洛伊特，是个全职母亲。
无奈之下，普拉坎斯故意打碎她丈夫扔在厨房好几天都没有洗的脏盘子。有一次，在打扫的时候，她不小心把两张Neil Young音乐会的票给扔掉了。
据说，罗格维经常把脏保鲜盒放在冰箱里，而不洗干净。一天早晨出门的时候，这位42岁的地质学教授抓起一袋子忘记丢掉的脏尿布，带到了办公室，还以为自己带的是午餐。
值得庆幸的是，他们正在学习接受对方──在他们共同的敌人的帮助下。42岁的普拉坎斯说，我们有了两个孩子，这让我在整洁的标准上降了很多格，吉姆有时必须站出来，免得家里变成猪窝；做出让步绝对是解决问题的策略。
婚姻顾问诺斯赞同这一点。她建议夫妇问问对方的理想生活状态是什么样的，你能忍受的又是什么程度，然后按照这个生活。
不过如果你没有那么成熟，不会作出让步怎么办？不要担心。你仍有其他选择。
--尝试占下一个房间归自己使用。在那里，你可以想多邋遢就多邋遢，想多整洁就多整洁。向对方声明不要动你的衣柜。或是用纸盘子或塑料餐具，这样就没有洗碗的麻烦事了。（和你住在一起的那个邋遢鬼可能会因此对环境感到愧疚，开始用洗碗机洗碗。）
--坚持自己的立场。加州圣罗萨的会计师米克西斯(Steve Miksis)说，如果在2,000平方英尺的家里，你只有12英尺的地盘，那么你就需要捍卫自己的领地。米克西斯现年58岁，喜欢乱堆东西──不论是衣服、画具还是健身器械，不过多年来，他的妻子都把这些东西放到他的阁楼办公室里和卫生间的一个飘窗上。这样，当他看到妻子的一件衬衫放到他的衣服堆上的时候，他就向她提了出来。他说，如果你不为自己的空间而战，你就会失去它。（顺道说一句，他和妻子现在处于分居中。）
--假装没看到。纽约州罗斯林的彼得・瓦格纳(Peter Wagner)就是这样做的。这位52岁的理财顾问假装不知道如何使用洗碗机或洗衣机，假装没有看到汗湿的健身衣扔在地上。他说，我妻子认为，如果她任由我的脏衣服堆积如山，我最终会把它们捡起来，放到盛脏衣服的篮子里。我说她是纸老虎。
--认命吧。我的一位邋遢的朋友叹息道，整洁在我们的生活中取得了胜利。据说，她的丈夫每天晚上一回到家就要擦洗厨房的料理台，甚至连外套都来不及脱。他还按照剪刀应该放的房间把它们一一贴上标签，把出差要穿的衣服按哪天要穿贴好标签。我的朋友羞愧得无地自容，只好把自己的一堆东西放到衣柜的角落里。不过，她有时会当着丈夫的面温柔地模仿他，拿他开玩笑。
我是在提倡把开玩笑当作对策吗？没错。专家们也同意：研究显示，一点幽默对弥补家庭关系中的裂缝会有很大帮助。大部分夫妇都开得起玩笑，即使是带着一点报复意味的玩笑。
Elizabeth Bernstein
With three kids and a home business, and her disabled mother living with her, Kristen Becker often lets the dishes and laundry pile up. 'I am very comfortable with chaos,' she says.
Her husband isn't.
He organizes his clothing by type, color and pattern, alphabetizes his CD collection and keeps rubber gloves in his car for unexpected spills, she says.
He sometimes goads his wife into being neater by making only his half of their king-size bed, heaping the magazines and bills splayed across the kitchen counter
into teetering stacks, or moving his wife's mound of laundry across the room.
Ms. Becker retaliates by letting her messes pile up even higher. But one day she couldn't take it anymore. Sick of her husband's incessant straightening and scrubbing, she decided to dismantle his neatly ordered life.
While he was at work, Ms. Becker rearranged his closet -- randomly moving shirts, pants and sports jackets together, and pairing slippers with boots and sandals with loafers. She moved his toiletries around in the bathroom and took papers out of his file folders and put them back in the wrong sleeves.
'It was delicious,' says Ms. Becker, 39 years old, who runs an online gift shop from her home in Crofton, Md. 'I was getting him back for all those times I felt pressured to keep things clean and organized.' (Her husband immediately moved everything back. He declined to be interviewed for this column.)
In the battle between messy and tidy, which side should win? Should slobs learn to be neater? Or should neat freaks loosen up?
Neatniks will tell you that order is the way of the world -- everything has a place and every place should be labeled. Often, they feel they bear a burden for having to clean up after their partner. Even worse: They think they hold the moral high ground.
But messy people suffer, too. They feel guilty for not being neat. They resent being controlled by someone more rigid and demanding. And they hate having to clean when they don't want to -- or endure the hints or griping if they refuse. (Note to my husband: I don't think I can live without you, but make just half the bed and I'll try.)
'I have a chronic case of Reorganization Stress Syndrome. It's when an item that used to be in Location A suddenly appears in Location B, with no warning,' says Dave Brooke, 39, a supply-chain analyst in Santa Rosa, Calif. As a messy person living with a neat one, he has it worse than most: His girlfriend is a professional organizer. 'Having the place look beautiful and neat is a wonderful thing -- until I need to find something,' he says.
Having to search for your stuff is one thing. But having a fight with your partner over a sock on the floor is something else entirely. 'People build up resentment, and then they snap,' says Carolyn Kelley North, a marriage counselor in Lighthouse Point, Fla. 'The sock becomes a symbol of the relationship as a whole.'
Yes, you heard her right: If you're not careful, the essence of the most important relationship in your life will be distilled to one dirty sock.
You're going to want to avoid that. But how?
Ask Brenda Plakans and Jim Rougvie, who have wrestled over their different approaches to neatness for years. 'I am anal-retentive, and he absolutely is not,' says Ms. Plakans, a stay-at-home mom in Beloit, Wis.
Out of frustration, Ms. Plakans has deliberately smashed dirty dishes that her husband left in the kitchen for days without washing. Once, while cleaning up, she accidentally threw away a pair of Neil Young concert tickets.
Mr. Rougvie has been known to store filthy Rubbermaid containers in the fridge rather than clean them. On the way out the door one morning, the 42-year-old geology professor grabbed a bag of dirty diapers he had forgotten to throw away and took it to work, thinking it was his lunch.
The good news: They are learning to accept each other -- with the help of their common enemy. 'Having two small children has knocked me down many notches in my cleanliness standards, and Jim has had to rise to the occasion so that the house doesn't become a total pit,' says Ms. Plakans, 42. 'Compromise is definitely the strategy.'
Ms. North, the marriage counselor, approves. She tells couples to 'ask each other what your ideal living situation is -- and what you can live with. Then live within it.'
But what if you're not mature enough to compromise? Don't fret. You still have options:
-- Try claiming a room of your own, where you're free to be as messy or neat as you'd like. Declare your closet off limits. Or stock up on paper plates and plastic utensils, so there are no dirty dishes. (The messy person you live with might just feel guilty about the environment and start using the dishwasher.)
-- Stand your ground. 'If you only get 12 square feet out of 2,000, you need to protect it,' says Steve Miksis, an accountant in Santa Rosa, Calif. Mr. Miksis, 58, loves to make piles -- of clothes, art supplies and workout gear -- but for years his wife relegated them to his office loft and a window seat in the bathroom. So when he saw one of her shirts on the top of one of his piles, he confronted her. 'If you don't fight for your space, you lose it,' he says. (Full disclosure: He and his wife are now separated.)
-- Feign ignorance. Peter Wagner does. The 52-year-old financial adviser pretends not to know how to operate the dishwasher or washing machine and not to see his sweaty workout clothes lying on the floor. 'My wife thinks that if she lets my dirty clothes pile up I will eventually pick them up and put them in the hamper,' says Mr. Wagner, of Roslyn, N.Y. 'I call her bluff.'
-- Resign yourself to your fate. 'Neat has won in our life,' sighs a messy friend of mine whose husband has been known to scrub the kitchen counters as soon as he comes home each night -- even before he takes off his coat. He also labels each pair of scissors by the room they belong in and each outfit he packs for a trip according to the day he plans to wear it. My friend, who has been shamed into confining her mess to one corner of the closet, copes by mocking her spouse -- gently -- to his face.
Am I advocating ribbing as a coping strategy? Absolutely. And the experts agree: Research shows that a little humor goes a long way toward bridging a gap in a relationship. Most couples can take the joke, even when it carries the whiff of revenge.
Elizabeth Bernstein
Her husband isn't.
He organizes his clothing by type, color and pattern, alphabetizes his CD collection and keeps rubber gloves in his car for unexpected spills, she says.
He sometimes goads his wife into being neater by making only his half of their king-size bed, heaping the magazines and bills splayed across the kitchen counter
into teetering stacks, or moving his wife's mound of laundry across the room.
Ms. Becker retaliates by letting her messes pile up even higher. But one day she couldn't take it anymore. Sick of her husband's incessant straightening and scrubbing, she decided to dismantle his neatly ordered life.
While he was at work, Ms. Becker rearranged his closet -- randomly moving shirts, pants and sports jackets together, and pairing slippers with boots and sandals with loafers. She moved his toiletries around in the bathroom and took papers out of his file folders and put them back in the wrong sleeves.
'It was delicious,' says Ms. Becker, 39 years old, who runs an online gift shop from her home in Crofton, Md. 'I was getting him back for all those times I felt pressured to keep things clean and organized.' (Her husband immediately moved everything back. He declined to be interviewed for this column.)
In the battle between messy and tidy, which side should win? Should slobs learn to be neater? Or should neat freaks loosen up?
Neatniks will tell you that order is the way of the world -- everything has a place and every place should be labeled. Often, they feel they bear a burden for having to clean up after their partner. Even worse: They think they hold the moral high ground.
But messy people suffer, too. They feel guilty for not being neat. They resent being controlled by someone more rigid and demanding. And they hate having to clean when they don't want to -- or endure the hints or griping if they refuse. (Note to my husband: I don't think I can live without you, but make just half the bed and I'll try.)
'I have a chronic case of Reorganization Stress Syndrome. It's when an item that used to be in Location A suddenly appears in Location B, with no warning,' says Dave Brooke, 39, a supply-chain analyst in Santa Rosa, Calif. As a messy person living with a neat one, he has it worse than most: His girlfriend is a professional organizer. 'Having the place look beautiful and neat is a wonderful thing -- until I need to find something,' he says.
Having to search for your stuff is one thing. But having a fight with your partner over a sock on the floor is something else entirely. 'People build up resentment, and then they snap,' says Carolyn Kelley North, a marriage counselor in Lighthouse Point, Fla. 'The sock becomes a symbol of the relationship as a whole.'
Yes, you heard her right: If you're not careful, the essence of the most important relationship in your life will be distilled to one dirty sock.
You're going to want to avoid that. But how?
Ask Brenda Plakans and Jim Rougvie, who have wrestled over their different approaches to neatness for years. 'I am anal-retentive, and he absolutely is not,' says Ms. Plakans, a stay-at-home mom in Beloit, Wis.
Out of frustration, Ms. Plakans has deliberately smashed dirty dishes that her husband left in the kitchen for days without washing. Once, while cleaning up, she accidentally threw away a pair of Neil Young concert tickets.
Mr. Rougvie has been known to store filthy Rubbermaid containers in the fridge rather than clean them. On the way out the door one morning, the 42-year-old geology professor grabbed a bag of dirty diapers he had forgotten to throw away and took it to work, thinking it was his lunch.
The good news: They are learning to accept each other -- with the help of their common enemy. 'Having two small children has knocked me down many notches in my cleanliness standards, and Jim has had to rise to the occasion so that the house doesn't become a total pit,' says Ms. Plakans, 42. 'Compromise is definitely the strategy.'
Ms. North, the marriage counselor, approves. She tells couples to 'ask each other what your ideal living situation is -- and what you can live with. Then live within it.'
But what if you're not mature enough to compromise? Don't fret. You still have options:
-- Try claiming a room of your own, where you're free to be as messy or neat as you'd like. Declare your closet off limits. Or stock up on paper plates and plastic utensils, so there are no dirty dishes. (The messy person you live with might just feel guilty about the environment and start using the dishwasher.)
-- Stand your ground. 'If you only get 12 square feet out of 2,000, you need to protect it,' says Steve Miksis, an accountant in Santa Rosa, Calif. Mr. Miksis, 58, loves to make piles -- of clothes, art supplies and workout gear -- but for years his wife relegated them to his office loft and a window seat in the bathroom. So when he saw one of her shirts on the top of one of his piles, he confronted her. 'If you don't fight for your space, you lose it,' he says. (Full disclosure: He and his wife are now separated.)
-- Feign ignorance. Peter Wagner does. The 52-year-old financial adviser pretends not to know how to operate the dishwasher or washing machine and not to see his sweaty workout clothes lying on the floor. 'My wife thinks that if she lets my dirty clothes pile up I will eventually pick them up and put them in the hamper,' says Mr. Wagner, of Roslyn, N.Y. 'I call her bluff.'
-- Resign yourself to your fate. 'Neat has won in our life,' sighs a messy friend of mine whose husband has been known to scrub the kitchen counters as soon as he comes home each night -- even before he takes off his coat. He also labels each pair of scissors by the room they belong in and each outfit he packs for a trip according to the day he plans to wear it. My friend, who has been shamed into confining her mess to one corner of the closet, copes by mocking her spouse -- gently -- to his face.
Am I advocating ribbing as a coping strategy? Absolutely. And the experts agree: Research shows that a little humor goes a long way toward bridging a gap in a relationship. Most couples can take the joke, even when it carries the whiff of revenge.
Elizabeth Bernstein
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