每
个星期五的晚上，8岁的梅芙•摩根•潘(Maeve Morgan Phoa)都会和三个小朋友一起吃晚饭、看电影，一起打打闹闹。这么做可不光是为了好玩。在这个由父母们创立的“周五晚间俱乐部”里，梅芙这个独生女必须要学会和其他小朋友轮流玩心爱的踏板车、商量谁在过家家游戏中拥有哪种超能力，并接受争吵是生活中组成部分这个现实。构建这种亲密关系是独生子女的父母们为培养出快乐、合群的孩子而采取的众多策略之一。他们的其它策略还包括有意识地在孩子身上少花些时间，以更好地模仿出多子女家庭的生活氛围。还有一些家长对总给孩子买礼物的祖父母们约法三章，以打破独生子女都娇生惯养这一怪圈。
Michal Czerwonka for The Wall Street Journal
梅芙与父母在一起。
统计独生子女的数量并不容易，因为他们可能很快就会有弟弟妹妹、成为家中的老大。不妨就看一下基本不会再生育的50岁女性的数据。根据美国国家卫生统计中心(National Center for Health Statistics)的统计，2006年50岁女性当中有18.3%的人只有一个孩子，而在1990年，这一比率仅为11.4%。造成这种增长的主要原因是现在人们结婚和生育的年龄都要比以前晚一些。其中也不乏经济方面的考虑。随着尿布钱、保育费和大学学费不断上涨口一些父母认为养育第二个孩子的花销实在是太大了。
当然，每一种童年都会面临挑战。而且，研究独生子女及其父母的心理学家说，成长过程中没有兄弟姐妹并不会比其它家庭因素对孩子造成更大的不利影响。不过，培养方式能够影响到你是拥有一个快乐的、无忧无虑的孩子，还是一个焦虑不安、身心不健全的孩子。因此，不管你是出于自己的选择还是不得已而仅有一个孩子，都需要考虑：怎样才是最佳的培养独生子女的方式？其中又存在着哪些误区呢？
得克萨斯州奥斯汀市(Austin)的儿童心理学家、《独生子女的未来》(“The Future of Your Only Child”)一书的作者卡尔•E.皮卡哈特(Carl E. Pickhardt)表示，“想一想你唯一的孩子缺少些什么。他们缺少了和兄弟姐妹过连推带挤的生活的机会。在那种情况下，他们可以很自然地学会付出和回报，学会与人分享资源。”
梅芙的妈妈玛格丽特•摩根(Margaret Morgan)说，给孩子们创造这样的机会是已有五年历史的“周五晚间俱乐部”创立的初衷之一。现年52岁的摩根是洛杉矶的一位艺术家，她表示，“我希望这样可以打消独生子女认为自己是宇宙中心的观念──每个人都喜欢我口都宠爱我──没有兄弟姐妹的孩子会有这种观念。”每周一次的聚会还帮助她的女儿学会了如何处理争端。摩根说，“他们会发生小的口角，也会有分歧，但是他们不得不寻找解决问题的办法，因为下个星期他们还得面对彼此。”
Michal Czerwonka for The Wall Street Journal
梅芙与她的朋友们一起玩耍。
看起来，孩子们都沉浸在快乐当中，并不明了父母们的用意。“周五晚间俱乐部”7岁的成员卡瑞娜•克罗夫(Carina Kroff)说，“你可以在别人家过夜。跟朋友们在一起真的很好玩。”
家长们说，克制自己、不让自己形影不离陪在孩子左右至关重要。现年45岁的莎拉•麦克唐纳(Sarah McDonald) 是弗吉尼亚州南赖丁市(South Riding)的一位全职妈妈，在儿子托比(Toby) 4岁的时候，她开始觉得家庭生活过于以托比的愿望为中心，全副心力放在孩子身上还导致她经常情绪不好。于是，她实施了以下计划：每天下午拿出两个小时，让托比去找邻居家的小朋友一起玩，或者让他一个人在自己的房间玩。
麦克唐纳说，这种变化──现在6岁的托比最开始是抵触的──是对于他同大人们共度时光的一个很好的调剂。
专家认为，给独生子女一些空间也很重要。这样可以避免对他们进行“显微镜下的”监护。儿童心理学家、纽约大学(New York University)名誉教授劳伦斯•巴尔特(Lawrence Balter)表示，“儿童在成长过程中的确应该有机会克制自己的想法，而不总是由别人……来否定他们的想法。”
只生一个孩子通常会被认为是一种激进的选择，虽然很多时候这种情况并不是出于自主的选择。邻居、陌生人和婆婆们都可能会催着你再生一个，认为如果孩子没有兄弟姐妹的话会很孤单、自私，甚至可能会无法融入社会。
然而，研究表明，事实通常并非如此。在对二十世纪20年代至80年代的115项独生子女研究进行的统合分析中，得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)教育心理学教授托妮•凡尔布(Toni Falbo)和她的论文合着者发现，独生子女总体上和有兄弟姐妹的孩子一样适应能力强、聪明伶俐、多才多艺，而且善于交际。凡尔布博士从70年代早期就开始研究独生子女问题，而且还对中国的在校生进行过一项研究。她并不认为中国的独生子女政策造就了一代自我迷恋的“小皇帝”。
凡尔布说，其它有研究已经发现独生子女也有自己的优势：他们往往会有更大的词汇量，在学校表现得更好，而且与父母的关系也会更加亲密。她解释道，“独生子女可以得到父母给予的一切，而不必和兄弟姐妹们分享。”
独生子女很容易被溺爱。如果家里有超过一个孩子，每个孩子得到的娃娃、游戏机和Juicy Couture连帽衫的数量自然就会少一些。但是，即便父母能够努力去减少对独生子女的溺爱，也是不够的，还需要让家庭成员一起来努力。4岁的安德鲁•雅各布森(Andrew Jacobsen)不仅是家里的独生子，而且还是唯一的孙子。他的妈妈、35岁的肯德拉•雅各布森(Kendra Jacobsen)是威斯康星州维罗纳市(Verona)的一名系统工程师，她说，之前有一个圣诞节“过得简直跟做梦似的，我们光是拆礼物就用了整整一天的时间。”所以，去年圣诞节的时候，肯德拉和她的丈夫尽量地缩小了圣诞树下的礼物堆。他们自己没有给安德鲁买任何礼物，而且对亲戚们送的礼物也启动了“审核程序”。（肯德拉说新政策并不是十分成功，“我妈妈还是多买了礼物。”）
少了反对的声音和兄弟姐妹间的相互较劲，独生子女在家庭事务上也更容易得到表决权。现年46岁的罗布•格莱恩斯塔夫(Rob Grindstaff)是田纳西州富兰克林市(Franklin)的一位电子出版业高管，他本人就是一个独生子。多年来，罗布和妻子辛西娅(Cynthia)和他们17岁的女儿梅根(Megan)轮流决定每年夏天上哪儿去度假。罗布说，“让她参与到这些决定中来使她比别的孩子成熟得更快一些。”
但是，罗布说让梅根在家庭事务中发挥如此重要的作用也会带来困扰。当全家从俄克拉荷马市迁往密歇根州的安娜堡(Ann Arbor)时口梅根只有10岁，“她不知道在我们是否迁往密歇根州的问题上她并没有平等的发言权。”格莱恩斯塔夫夫妇一直鼓励女儿要直言不讳口这也造成了梅根和老师、教练的关系紧张。罗布说，他和妻子不得不提醒梅根，“并不是每个人都像我和她妈妈这样愿意听取别人的意见。”
心理学家说，青春期的正常冲突在独生子女家庭会特别突出。由于父母和孩子通常关系亲密，孩子挑战底线和叛逆的行为就会更加让人震惊。
皮卡哈特表示，独生子女往往更加自信，这让他们在争吵时成为“相当有力的对手”。
但是，如果要为独生子女的父母提一条建议的话，那就是：放宽心，孩子会很好地成长起来的。皮卡哈特说，“独生子女会有很好的成长之路。”
长大成人的独生子女表示，他们适应独处、拥有创造力和自尊心。现年43岁的斯蒂芬妮•斯宾塞•李(Stephanie Spencer Lee)是新泽西州克罗斯特市(Closter)一位拥有两个孩子的母亲，她表示，“你会学着相信自己的本能。”她说，自己小的时候，经常独自在自家后院读书或者玩过家家游戏，“我非常了解自己的秉性以及自己是一个什么样的人。”
Andrea Petersen
家长们说，克制自己、不让自己形影不离陪在孩子左右至关重要。现年45岁的莎拉•麦克唐纳(Sarah McDonald) 是弗吉尼亚州南赖丁市(South Riding)的一位全职妈妈，在儿子托比(Toby) 4岁的时候，她开始觉得家庭生活过于以托比的愿望为中心，全副心力放在孩子身上还导致她经常情绪不好。于是，她实施了以下计划：每天下午拿出两个小时，让托比去找邻居家的小朋友一起玩，或者让他一个人在自己的房间玩。
麦克唐纳说，这种变化──现在6岁的托比最开始是抵触的──是对于他同大人们共度时光的一个很好的调剂。
专家认为，给独生子女一些空间也很重要。这样可以避免对他们进行“显微镜下的”监护。儿童心理学家、纽约大学(New York University)名誉教授劳伦斯•巴尔特(Lawrence Balter)表示，“儿童在成长过程中的确应该有机会克制自己的想法，而不总是由别人……来否定他们的想法。”
只生一个孩子通常会被认为是一种激进的选择，虽然很多时候这种情况并不是出于自主的选择。邻居、陌生人和婆婆们都可能会催着你再生一个，认为如果孩子没有兄弟姐妹的话会很孤单、自私，甚至可能会无法融入社会。
然而，研究表明，事实通常并非如此。在对二十世纪20年代至80年代的115项独生子女研究进行的统合分析中，得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)教育心理学教授托妮•凡尔布(Toni Falbo)和她的论文合着者发现，独生子女总体上和有兄弟姐妹的孩子一样适应能力强、聪明伶俐、多才多艺，而且善于交际。凡尔布博士从70年代早期就开始研究独生子女问题，而且还对中国的在校生进行过一项研究。她并不认为中国的独生子女政策造就了一代自我迷恋的“小皇帝”。
凡尔布说，其它有研究已经发现独生子女也有自己的优势：他们往往会有更大的词汇量，在学校表现得更好，而且与父母的关系也会更加亲密。她解释道，“独生子女可以得到父母给予的一切，而不必和兄弟姐妹们分享。”
独生子女很容易被溺爱。如果家里有超过一个孩子，每个孩子得到的娃娃、游戏机和Juicy Couture连帽衫的数量自然就会少一些。但是，即便父母能够努力去减少对独生子女的溺爱，也是不够的，还需要让家庭成员一起来努力。4岁的安德鲁•雅各布森(Andrew Jacobsen)不仅是家里的独生子，而且还是唯一的孙子。他的妈妈、35岁的肯德拉•雅各布森(Kendra Jacobsen)是威斯康星州维罗纳市(Verona)的一名系统工程师，她说，之前有一个圣诞节“过得简直跟做梦似的，我们光是拆礼物就用了整整一天的时间。”所以，去年圣诞节的时候，肯德拉和她的丈夫尽量地缩小了圣诞树下的礼物堆。他们自己没有给安德鲁买任何礼物，而且对亲戚们送的礼物也启动了“审核程序”。（肯德拉说新政策并不是十分成功，“我妈妈还是多买了礼物。”）
少了反对的声音和兄弟姐妹间的相互较劲，独生子女在家庭事务上也更容易得到表决权。现年46岁的罗布•格莱恩斯塔夫(Rob Grindstaff)是田纳西州富兰克林市(Franklin)的一位电子出版业高管，他本人就是一个独生子。多年来，罗布和妻子辛西娅(Cynthia)和他们17岁的女儿梅根(Megan)轮流决定每年夏天上哪儿去度假。罗布说，“让她参与到这些决定中来使她比别的孩子成熟得更快一些。”
但是，罗布说让梅根在家庭事务中发挥如此重要的作用也会带来困扰。当全家从俄克拉荷马市迁往密歇根州的安娜堡(Ann Arbor)时口梅根只有10岁，“她不知道在我们是否迁往密歇根州的问题上她并没有平等的发言权。”格莱恩斯塔夫夫妇一直鼓励女儿要直言不讳口这也造成了梅根和老师、教练的关系紧张。罗布说，他和妻子不得不提醒梅根，“并不是每个人都像我和她妈妈这样愿意听取别人的意见。”
心理学家说，青春期的正常冲突在独生子女家庭会特别突出。由于父母和孩子通常关系亲密，孩子挑战底线和叛逆的行为就会更加让人震惊。
皮卡哈特表示，独生子女往往更加自信，这让他们在争吵时成为“相当有力的对手”。
但是，如果要为独生子女的父母提一条建议的话，那就是：放宽心，孩子会很好地成长起来的。皮卡哈特说，“独生子女会有很好的成长之路。”
长大成人的独生子女表示，他们适应独处、拥有创造力和自尊心。现年43岁的斯蒂芬妮•斯宾塞•李(Stephanie Spencer Lee)是新泽西州克罗斯特市(Closter)一位拥有两个孩子的母亲，她表示，“你会学着相信自己的本能。”她说，自己小的时候，经常独自在自家后院读书或者玩过家家游戏，“我非常了解自己的秉性以及自己是一个什么样的人。”
Andrea Petersen
Every Friday night, 8-year-old Maeve Morgan Phoa gets together with three other children for dinner, movies and general kid mayhem. The purpose isn't just fun. At the 'Friday Night Club' the parents created, Maeve, an only child, is forced to learn to take turns riding a coveted scooter, negotiate who gets which super powers in make-believe games, and accept that squabbles are a natural part of life.
Creating this kind of close relationship is one of many strategies parents of only children are employing in their attempts to raise happy, social kids. Others are purposefully spending less time with their child to better mimic what happens in a family with siblings. And some are policing gift-proffering grandparents to fight that old stereotype that an only child is a spoiled child.
There's a surge in interest in new ways to parent an only child. That's partly because more people are having them. Then there's the onslaught of advice from neighborhood message boards, online support groups and Mommy-bloggers that has fueled anxiety about raising kids in general.
It's hard to gauge how many only children there are because an only child can easily become an eldest child. But by looking at 50-year-old women, who are presumably finished having children, 18.3% of them had a single child in 2006, up from 11.4% in 1990, according to numbers from the National Center for Health Statistics. The growth is being spurred by more later-in-life marriage and child-bearing. Financial concerns are also at play. As the cost of diapers, child-care and college degrees keep their steady march northward, some parents are deciding it's just too expensive to have that second kid.
Every type of childhood, of course, has its challenges. And psychologists who work with only children and their parents say that growing up without siblings doesn't handicap a kid any more than other family configurations. Still, parenting styles can affect whether you end up with a happy and secure kid -- or an anxious basket-case. So for those of us who, whether by choice or by circumstance, have an only child: What is the best way to raise one? And what are the pitfalls?
'Think in terms of what your only child is missing,' says Carl E. Pickhardt, a child psychologist in Austin, Texas, and the author of 'The Future of Your Only Child.' 'They're missing the opportunity to get into the push and shove of sibling relationships, where you just kind of naturally learn there is going to be a give and take and resources have to be shared.'
Creating that kind of opportunity is part of the goal of the five-year-old Friday Night Club, says Margaret Morgan, Maeve's mother. 'I'm hoping it offsets the kind of center-of-the-universe perspective -- everyone adores me and dotes on me -- that the kids who don't have siblings have,' says Ms. Morgan, 52, an artist in Los Angeles. The weekly meetings have also helped her daughter learn to handle conflict. 'They have their little spats and their disagreements and they do have to work it out because they have to deal with each other the next week,' Ms. Morgan says.
The kids seem blissfully unaware of any aim beyond fun. 'You get to have sleepovers,' says Carina Kroff, 7, one of the only-child Friday Night Club members. 'It's just fun to be with friends.'
Parents say it's important to rein in the impulse to be an only child's constant companion. When Sarah McDonald's son, Toby, was 4, she started to feel that family life was centered too much on his desires and that the undivided attention was resulting in tantrums. So Ms. McDonald, 45, a stay-at-home mother in South Riding, Va., instituted this plan: Every afternoon for two hours, Toby is expected to knock on a neighbor's door and find friends to play with or entertain himself in his room.
Ms. McDonald said the change -- which her son, now 6, resisted at first -- is a good counterweight to all the hours he spends around adults.
Experts say giving only kids space is also important to avoid an under-the-microscope type scrutiny. 'Growing children should really have the opportunity to contain their thoughts and not always have someone . . . picking their ideas apart,' says Lawrence Balter, a child psychologist and professor emeritus at New York University.
Having a single child is still often considered a radical choice, though it is not always a choice. Neighbors, total strangers and many a mother-in-law may continue to push procreation, saying that, without a sibling, a child will be lonely, selfish, or a bit of a misfit.
Research, however, shows that generally isn't the case. In a meta-analysis covering 115 studies of only children conducted from the 1920s to the 1980s, Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and her co-author, found that only children were generally as well-adjusted, intelligent, accomplished and sociable as those with siblings. Dr. Falbo, who has researched only children since the early 1970s, also conducted a study of schoolchildren in China that challenged the idea that the country's one-child policy was producing a generation of narcissistic 'little emperors.'
Other research has found that there are benefits to being an only child: They tend to have stronger vocabularies, do better in school and are closer to their parents, says Dr. Falbo. 'Only children get all their parents have to give without them having to divvy it up among the various siblings,' she explains.
It can be easy to spoil an only child. When there's more than one child, each kid is naturally going to have fewer dolls, video games and Juicy Couture hoodies. But even when parents of only children are diligent in limiting treats, they may have to police family members. Four-year-old Andrew Jacobsen isn't just an only child, he's an only grandchild as well. Christmas 'was just unreal,' says his mother, Kendra Jacobsen, a 35-year-old systems engineer in Verona, Wis. 'We were literally opening presents non-stop all day long.' So last Christmas, Ms. Jacobsen and her husband made an attempt to shrink the pile under the tree. They didn't buy Andrew any gifts themselves and instituted an 'approval process' for toys given by relatives. (Ms. Jacobsen says the new policy hasn't been totally successful: 'My mom still brings extra stuff.')
With fewer competing voices and no sibling rivalry to complicate matters, it can be easier to give an only child a vote in family decisions. For years, Rob Grindstaff, his wife, Cynthia, and their now 17-year-old daughter, Megan, took turns choosing where they would take their annual summer vacation. 'Making her a part of these decisions has helped her mature a little bit faster than other kids,' says Mr. Grindstaff, 46, a digital publishing executive in Franklin, Tenn., who is an only child himself.
But Mr. Grindstaff says giving Megan such a powerful role in family matters has brought difficulties, too. When the family moved from Oklahoma City to Ann Arbor, Mich., when Megan was 10, 'she didn't understand that she didn't have an equal say in whether we were moving to Michigan or not.' The outspokenness the Grindstaffs have encouraged in their daughter has also caused tension with teachers and coaches. He and his wife have had to advise Megan that 'not everyone is as open to suggestions as her mother and me,' he says.
Psychologists say that the normal conflicts of adolescence can be a particularly trying for small families. Since parents and their only child are often very close, limits-testing and rebelling can come as more of a shock.
Only children also tend to be self-confident, making them 'very worthy adversaries' during disputes, Dr. Pickhardt says.
But if there's one message for parents of only children, it is this: Relax, the kids are going to turn out fine. 'Being an only child is a neat way to grow up,' Dr. Pickhardt says.
Adult only children note their comfort with being alone and the creativity and self-esteem that can foster. 'You learn to trust your instincts,' says Stephanie Spencer Lee, a 43-year-old mother of two in Closter, N.J., who says she spent many hours reading and playing make-believe games in her backyard when she was young. 'I have a pretty strong sense of what my gut is and who I think I am.'
Andrea Petersen
Creating this kind of close relationship is one of many strategies parents of only children are employing in their attempts to raise happy, social kids. Others are purposefully spending less time with their child to better mimic what happens in a family with siblings. And some are policing gift-proffering grandparents to fight that old stereotype that an only child is a spoiled child.
There's a surge in interest in new ways to parent an only child. That's partly because more people are having them. Then there's the onslaught of advice from neighborhood message boards, online support groups and Mommy-bloggers that has fueled anxiety about raising kids in general.
It's hard to gauge how many only children there are because an only child can easily become an eldest child. But by looking at 50-year-old women, who are presumably finished having children, 18.3% of them had a single child in 2006, up from 11.4% in 1990, according to numbers from the National Center for Health Statistics. The growth is being spurred by more later-in-life marriage and child-bearing. Financial concerns are also at play. As the cost of diapers, child-care and college degrees keep their steady march northward, some parents are deciding it's just too expensive to have that second kid.
Every type of childhood, of course, has its challenges. And psychologists who work with only children and their parents say that growing up without siblings doesn't handicap a kid any more than other family configurations. Still, parenting styles can affect whether you end up with a happy and secure kid -- or an anxious basket-case. So for those of us who, whether by choice or by circumstance, have an only child: What is the best way to raise one? And what are the pitfalls?
'Think in terms of what your only child is missing,' says Carl E. Pickhardt, a child psychologist in Austin, Texas, and the author of 'The Future of Your Only Child.' 'They're missing the opportunity to get into the push and shove of sibling relationships, where you just kind of naturally learn there is going to be a give and take and resources have to be shared.'
Creating that kind of opportunity is part of the goal of the five-year-old Friday Night Club, says Margaret Morgan, Maeve's mother. 'I'm hoping it offsets the kind of center-of-the-universe perspective -- everyone adores me and dotes on me -- that the kids who don't have siblings have,' says Ms. Morgan, 52, an artist in Los Angeles. The weekly meetings have also helped her daughter learn to handle conflict. 'They have their little spats and their disagreements and they do have to work it out because they have to deal with each other the next week,' Ms. Morgan says.
The kids seem blissfully unaware of any aim beyond fun. 'You get to have sleepovers,' says Carina Kroff, 7, one of the only-child Friday Night Club members. 'It's just fun to be with friends.'
Parents say it's important to rein in the impulse to be an only child's constant companion. When Sarah McDonald's son, Toby, was 4, she started to feel that family life was centered too much on his desires and that the undivided attention was resulting in tantrums. So Ms. McDonald, 45, a stay-at-home mother in South Riding, Va., instituted this plan: Every afternoon for two hours, Toby is expected to knock on a neighbor's door and find friends to play with or entertain himself in his room.
Ms. McDonald said the change -- which her son, now 6, resisted at first -- is a good counterweight to all the hours he spends around adults.
Experts say giving only kids space is also important to avoid an under-the-microscope type scrutiny. 'Growing children should really have the opportunity to contain their thoughts and not always have someone . . . picking their ideas apart,' says Lawrence Balter, a child psychologist and professor emeritus at New York University.
Having a single child is still often considered a radical choice, though it is not always a choice. Neighbors, total strangers and many a mother-in-law may continue to push procreation, saying that, without a sibling, a child will be lonely, selfish, or a bit of a misfit.
Research, however, shows that generally isn't the case. In a meta-analysis covering 115 studies of only children conducted from the 1920s to the 1980s, Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and her co-author, found that only children were generally as well-adjusted, intelligent, accomplished and sociable as those with siblings. Dr. Falbo, who has researched only children since the early 1970s, also conducted a study of schoolchildren in China that challenged the idea that the country's one-child policy was producing a generation of narcissistic 'little emperors.'
Other research has found that there are benefits to being an only child: They tend to have stronger vocabularies, do better in school and are closer to their parents, says Dr. Falbo. 'Only children get all their parents have to give without them having to divvy it up among the various siblings,' she explains.
It can be easy to spoil an only child. When there's more than one child, each kid is naturally going to have fewer dolls, video games and Juicy Couture hoodies. But even when parents of only children are diligent in limiting treats, they may have to police family members. Four-year-old Andrew Jacobsen isn't just an only child, he's an only grandchild as well. Christmas 'was just unreal,' says his mother, Kendra Jacobsen, a 35-year-old systems engineer in Verona, Wis. 'We were literally opening presents non-stop all day long.' So last Christmas, Ms. Jacobsen and her husband made an attempt to shrink the pile under the tree. They didn't buy Andrew any gifts themselves and instituted an 'approval process' for toys given by relatives. (Ms. Jacobsen says the new policy hasn't been totally successful: 'My mom still brings extra stuff.')
With fewer competing voices and no sibling rivalry to complicate matters, it can be easier to give an only child a vote in family decisions. For years, Rob Grindstaff, his wife, Cynthia, and their now 17-year-old daughter, Megan, took turns choosing where they would take their annual summer vacation. 'Making her a part of these decisions has helped her mature a little bit faster than other kids,' says Mr. Grindstaff, 46, a digital publishing executive in Franklin, Tenn., who is an only child himself.
But Mr. Grindstaff says giving Megan such a powerful role in family matters has brought difficulties, too. When the family moved from Oklahoma City to Ann Arbor, Mich., when Megan was 10, 'she didn't understand that she didn't have an equal say in whether we were moving to Michigan or not.' The outspokenness the Grindstaffs have encouraged in their daughter has also caused tension with teachers and coaches. He and his wife have had to advise Megan that 'not everyone is as open to suggestions as her mother and me,' he says.
Psychologists say that the normal conflicts of adolescence can be a particularly trying for small families. Since parents and their only child are often very close, limits-testing and rebelling can come as more of a shock.
Only children also tend to be self-confident, making them 'very worthy adversaries' during disputes, Dr. Pickhardt says.
But if there's one message for parents of only children, it is this: Relax, the kids are going to turn out fine. 'Being an only child is a neat way to grow up,' Dr. Pickhardt says.
Adult only children note their comfort with being alone and the creativity and self-esteem that can foster. 'You learn to trust your instincts,' says Stephanie Spencer Lee, a 43-year-old mother of two in Closter, N.J., who says she spent many hours reading and playing make-believe games in her backyard when she was young. 'I have a pretty strong sense of what my gut is and who I think I am.'
Andrea Petersen
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