母
亲还未问完这个问题，吉姆•布朗(Jim Brown)就知道自己麻烦来了。“我的厨艺是不是比你妻子的更好？”母亲在厨房里一边平静地搅拌着炉灶上锅里的食物，一边问道。吉姆支支吾吾不愿回答，因为当时妻子乔伊(Joy)就站在旁边。他说当时自己祈祷着“地上能出现一道缝”。最终，他做了当时他能想到的唯一一件事：实话实说。他说：“我当时答道妻子的厨艺更好。”现年50岁的吉姆是得克萨斯州邓肯维尔(Duncanville)一家汽修店的老板。
研究表明，男方母亲比女方母亲更容易与孩子的配偶产生矛盾，而婆媳不合可能导致新婚夫妇关系紧张。专家说化解婆媳关系不合的关键在于儿子/丈夫的态度，他不能袖手旁观，并且学会在传话时把妻子的意见说成是自己的。
可悲的是，这种场景对当时结婚七年的布朗夫妇来说并不新鲜。妻子和母亲之间的紧张关系──还有他夹在中间的左右为难──已经对三人间的关系产生了负面影响。他母亲批评他妻子抚育孩子的方式，并且不满她赋闲在家。妻子就向他哭诉和抱怨。面对这两个女人，他选择了逃避。
他说：“我是个男人，直觉也不那么灵敏。这两个女人，我简直一个都搞不懂。遇到这种事情，我就想出去割草。”接下来的两年，布朗夫妇一直竭力维持着这个三角关系──直到冲突触及危机点，并来了个意料之外的转折。
很少有家庭关系比婆婆、媳妇以及被夹在中间的男人之间的关系更令人头疼了。虽然它一直是喜剧类电影和电视剧永恒的题材，但似乎每一代人都不得不自己学习如何让这种三角关系维持下去。
根据威斯康辛大学史蒂文斯波恩特分校(University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point)传播学助理教授西尔维娅•米库茨基-埃尼亚特(Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart)一项尚未发表论文的研究，娶儿媳比嫁女儿更让母亲担心。她询问了89名婆婆和岳母，孩子结婚她们最担心什么。这些人绝大多数都表示,如果是儿子结婚，她们会感到更加不确定、不安心。这种不安集中在儿子与父母以及自己小家庭的关系上。他会比以前少来看望我们或者少打电话吗？他会和家人一起共度假期吗？
母亲们还称，她们担心儿子的幸福，以及婚姻和妻子是否会改变他。一些具体的担心包括：“因为妻子干涉，他变得不再可信赖。”“他的兴趣爱好发生了戏剧性的改变。”“他吃饱了吗？我儿媳可不是个好厨子。”“他快乐吗？”
Gary William Musgrave
婆婆和儿媳常常对她们之间的关系不太确定，因此二者就会保持距离。专家们称，打破这种矛盾格局的一个方法是夫妻二人要站在同一战线上。
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说：“很可能儿媳会不怎么喜欢婆婆，并且觉得她会多管闲事。”结果，这两个女人可能一开始相处就小心翼翼，采取防御姿态，最终渐行渐远。她说：“这已经变成了一种自证预言。”
从某种方式上来说，母亲和妻子都在争着养育这个男人。让这种关系雪上加霜的是被研究人员称作“家庭关系维护者”的女性传统角色，该角色负责管理家庭社交日程，维护家庭关系和传统。
两边都存在不确定性。婆婆和媳妇虽说理应是一家人，但双方并不怎么熟悉。如何称呼对方？应该与对方分享多少？都没有脚本。
这种不确定本身就可能导致嫉妒、愤怒或伤心。不确定性越强，两个女人越可能相互保持距离。而这可能会破坏婚姻的稳定：当母亲和妻子开战，男人自我保护的本能会告诉他能躲多远是多远。
如何才能打破这一模式？米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说，关键在丈夫/儿子身上。她说：“他必须出面。他必须把妻子放在首位，并且让大家知道这一点。”
如果他的母亲经常出其不意地造访，让妻子感到困扰，做丈夫的需要和母亲说，来之前请先打电话。他不需要告诉母亲说这件事困扰到了他妻子。
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说：“母亲更容易对儿子而不是儿媳的要求做出回应。”
媳妇也可以发挥她们的作用，让婆婆参与到家庭中来。邀请她们一起吃晚餐。给她们发送孩子们的照片。有些事情学会睁一只眼闭一只眼。
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说：“别让它成为一种竞争。你们都爱这个男人，只是采取的方式不同。”
她说，夫妇必须永远站在同一战线上。记住，你们是一个团队。别把对方往火坑里推。她说，父母对你们会共同进退这一点是有心理准备的，尽管一开始他们可能会有些难以接受。
布朗夫妇结婚一年左右的时候，婆媳之间的关系就开始变得紧张。当时乔伊怀孕了，而她婆婆似乎突然变得无所不知。乔伊试着礼貌地对她视而不见，但偶尔会对老太太说她错了。婆婆会大哭并气冲冲地离开，最后乔伊不得不道歉了事。
乔伊说：“我感觉这是两败俱伤，好像我们是在跳一场疯狂的舞蹈。”现年45岁的乔伊是一名五年级的老师。
于是，大部分时候乔伊只好向丈夫抱怨。但，大部分时候，他什么也不做。他说：“我从来没有想过要去驳斥我母亲。”
更糟糕的是：吉姆有时会和他母亲讨论他婚姻中的问题。他说：“她会表示同情，我想，这让她感觉离我更近。这更让我觉得自己受到了妻子的怠慢。”
吉姆借工作逃避。他和妻子开始过着平行线般的生活，最终他提出了离婚。但在他们将这一决定告诉母亲后，她似乎让步了。现年72岁的贝蒂•韦德(Betty Wade)说，她不记得自己曾经和儿媳关系紧张，也不觉得这是导致夫妇俩商讨离婚的因素之一。她说：“虽然他结了婚，但依然是我的儿子；不过我也知道，他必须要去关心另外那位女士。”
贝蒂的让步为夫妇俩改善彼此的关系提供了一个机会。他们向所在教区的顾问寻求建议，并且去求助了婚姻咨询师。他们阅读自助书籍，还一起祈祷。他们的婚姻也得以维系了下来。
吉姆说：“这就是一部血泪史。但我学会了要牢牢记住一点，就是必须把妻子摆在首位。”
Elizabeth Bernstein
（本文版权归道琼斯公司所有，未经许可不得翻译或转载。）
Jim Brown knew he was in trouble before his mother finished asking the question. 'Am I a better cook than your wife?' she asked, calmly stirring a pot on the stove in her kitchen.
With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed -- 'for a trap door to appear,' he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. 'I said that my wife is a better cook,' the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.
The fallout? 'Biblical,' he says. 'There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth.' Even his wife got mad -- telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.
Sadly, the scene wasn't new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother -- and his position, stuck in the middle -- was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.
'I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn't really understand either one,' he says. 'My inclination was to go mow the grass.' Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work -- until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.
Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.
Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son's relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?
The mothers also reported worrying about their son's well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: 'He's no longer reliable, due to his wife's interference.' 'His interests have changed dramatically.' 'Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.' 'Is he happy?'
Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. 'Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?' 'What is her ability to take financial care of herself?' 'What does she say about me when I am not around?'
'We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may tread carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. 'It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,' she says.
In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women's traditional role as what researchers call 'kin keepers' who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.
There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don't know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.
The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm's length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man's self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.
How can families break the pattern? It's really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. 'He needs to step up to the plate,' she says. 'He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known.'
If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn't need to tell her that it upsets his wife.
'A mother is more likely to respond to her son's request than her daughter-in-law's,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.
Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles.
'Don't make it a competition,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. 'You both love this man in completely different ways.'
The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don't throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.
The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns' marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing.
'I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance,' says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.
So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband -- and, mostly, he did nothing. 'It didn't occur to me to contradict my mom,' he says.
Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. 'She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me,' he says. 'And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife.'
Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn't remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple's divorce discussion. 'Just because he got married didn't make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady,' she says.
The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They read self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married.
'It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears,' Mr. Brown says. 'But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first.'
Elizabeth Bernstein
With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed -- 'for a trap door to appear,' he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. 'I said that my wife is a better cook,' the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.
The fallout? 'Biblical,' he says. 'There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth.' Even his wife got mad -- telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.
Sadly, the scene wasn't new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother -- and his position, stuck in the middle -- was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.
'I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn't really understand either one,' he says. 'My inclination was to go mow the grass.' Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work -- until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.
Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.
Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son's relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?
The mothers also reported worrying about their son's well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: 'He's no longer reliable, due to his wife's interference.' 'His interests have changed dramatically.' 'Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.' 'Is he happy?'
Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. 'Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?' 'What is her ability to take financial care of herself?' 'What does she say about me when I am not around?'
'We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may tread carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. 'It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,' she says.
In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women's traditional role as what researchers call 'kin keepers' who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.
There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don't know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.
The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm's length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man's self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.
How can families break the pattern? It's really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. 'He needs to step up to the plate,' she says. 'He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known.'
If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn't need to tell her that it upsets his wife.
'A mother is more likely to respond to her son's request than her daughter-in-law's,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.
Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles.
'Don't make it a competition,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. 'You both love this man in completely different ways.'
The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don't throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.
The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns' marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing.
'I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance,' says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.
So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband -- and, mostly, he did nothing. 'It didn't occur to me to contradict my mom,' he says.
Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. 'She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me,' he says. 'And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife.'
Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn't remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple's divorce discussion. 'Just because he got married didn't make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady,' she says.
The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They read self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married.
'It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears,' Mr. Brown says. 'But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first.'
Elizabeth Bernstein
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