如
果有人失去挚爱，你该如何安慰？说些什么可以充分表达自己的慰藉之意？只是说一句“我很遗憾”似乎并不够。几周前，我表兄亚瑟在睡梦中突然离世，我深刻体会到了安慰别人很不容易。虽然我自己也很伤心，但还是想劝表兄的父母、妻子和妹妹节哀顺变。然而，什么样的言语和行动能帮助他们度过这段艰难时期，不只是在葬礼前后，还包括他们悼念死者的日日夜夜？怎样才能避免在伤口上撒盐？我应该常打电话、登门拜访还是写电子邮件？我该谈论对表兄的美好回忆吗？我该分享自己悲痛的心情吗？还是说，我该留出一点空间，不要去打搅他们？
Janice Nadeau
最难启齿的交谈也许就是传达挚爱之人的死讯了。节哀顾问说，要简单而快速地说出消息——用一两句话，并尽可能选择人少的地方。等待对方接受这个噩耗，然后给予安慰。
但如何安慰呢？我向处于悲痛之中的亲友询问这个问题。亚瑟的父亲、我叔叔希德尼(Sidney)说，葬礼结束后的几天和数周内，他收到人们发来的电子邮件和打来的电话，觉得内心得到了一些慰藉。
希德尼说，有些话根本起不到安慰的作用，比如“你孩子不该这么早离开人世”，“他太年轻了”之类的。
亚瑟的妹妹、我表妹莎拉(Sarah)说，她感激朋友打来和发来的那些不催她回复的电话、电子邮件或短信。她说，不需要与人交谈或回复，但知道第二天还能再次得到那些支援和安慰，这种感觉会让人心里好受一些。
两年前，克里斯汀•怀特(Christine White)的丈夫突然离世，她的邻居和朋友试图表达哀悼之情。他们打来电话询问事情经过，了解她的状况，过来看她，还带来墨西哥玉米面肉卷、烤牛肉、炸鸡等食物。他们提供各种帮助，有些人对她说，需要什么尽管告诉他们。
克里斯汀觉得这些安慰很烦人。她说，关于她丈夫去世情况的问题等于重新揭开她的伤疤，而关于她个人状况的问题让她不得不撒谎说自己还好。她没什么胃口，只能把大多数送来的食物都给她养的狗吃。克里斯汀今年36岁，在德克萨斯州路易斯维尔市(Lewisville)拥有一家水疗产品公司。她说，这些人的反应就像饼干模子一样一成不变，根本就起不到安慰的作用。
她说，真正给她带来慰藉的是，一位也曾失去丈夫的女人给她发来一首打动心灵的诗，有个表亲送她一盒玻璃天使，还有朋友发给她一个网路连结，是女歌手娜特莉娅•格兰特(Natalie Grant)唱的《曾经牵手》(Held)。
什么才是安慰心痛之人的正确方式？下面是节哀咨询专家以及曾经失去挚爱的人们给出的一些建议：
说话简短一点。一开始，说一句“听到这个消息我很遗憾”就足够了。然后，在接下来的日子里，要经常表示“我在想着你”。
节哀咨询师沃克说，坦承自己不知道该说什么。
失去丈夫的克里斯汀说，别问“发生了什么事情？”这会让本来就很伤心的人更加痛苦。
别打开话匣子大说特说自己失去挚爱的经历。沃克说，你讲的东西只要能让他们觉得你也曾经感同身受就够了。你要表达的是，“我也失去过自己的母亲，你有什么想跟我说说的吗？”
避免说一些陈词滥调。沃克表示，“风雨之后才见彩虹”、“经历过后会更坚强”以及“他现在已经安息了”这些话带有说教意味，言语傲慢，显得漠不关心。
别标榜自己知道痛失挚爱的人现在的感受，别建议死者家属“重新开始”。避免说诸如“应该”和“必须”之类的字眼。也许，你可以这么说：我只能想像你正在经历的悲痛。
效仿死者家属在Facebook上的做法。他们有没有在网上发布死讯？如果没有，别主动把他们的悲痛公诸于世。如果你想用Facebook作为一种沟通手段，那就简短地表达慰问之意，或分享一段自己的经历。不要讨论死者如何去世的情形。
把你的宗教信仰留给自己，除非你确认你要安慰的人也抱有相同的信仰。（只是说你会为死者的家庭祈祷祝福是可以的。）
如果你主动提供帮助，不要期待对方的回复。你要表明态度，说自己想帮忙，但理解他们可能无法及时回复，因此会再打电话联系。
承诺自己在未来数周或数月随时都愿意提供帮助，并遵守自己的承诺。
下面是节哀慰问最新指南
人们往往不懂如何向失去挚爱的人表达同情和慰问，无论是在死讯传来之际，还是在葬礼之后的数周或数月。下面列出一些建议：
1、伸出援手。不要让电子邮件或短信取代登门看望或打电话慰问的方式。记住，很多让人感到安慰的东西，如说话的声音语调、眼神的接触以及身体的触摸，都是无法诉诸于文字的。
2、学会倾听。顺从死者家属的做事方式，让他们谈论对其来说重要的事情。
3、分享一段回忆。对死者家属而言，听挚爱之人的一段往事及其给别人带来的感受，是一种安慰。
4、提供切实的帮助。你能帮忙安排葬礼吗？帮着带带孩子？帮着割草？大多数的死者家属不主动寻求帮助，因为他们不想显得很无助。
5、带很多食物上门前要先问一下主人，看他们想吃什么，需要什么。吃的东西不一定花哨，牛奶、鸡蛋或果汁也许都行。
6、送一些能够延续下去的东西。不妨跳过鲜花，也许可以分享一本纪念册，或者做一些慈善捐款来悼念逝去的人。
Elizabeth Bernstein
（本文版权归道琼斯公司所有，未经许可不得翻译或转载。）
How can you comfort someone grieving the death of a loved one? What can you say that might adequately offer solace? 'I'm sorry' doesn't seem to cut it.
I felt this acutely after my cousin, Arthur, died unexpectedly in his sleep a few weeks ago. Although I was deeply sad myself, I wanted to offer support to his mother, father, wife and sister. But what words or gestures might help them, not just before and during the funeral but also day-in and day-out as they continue to mourn? How can I avoid making them feel worse? Should I call a lot, visit, write emails? Talk about my fond memories of my cousin? Share my own grief? Or should I leave them alone and give them space?
'There is a skill to comforting, but we are not taught it,' says Val Walker, a grief educator and author of 'The Art of Comforting.' 'We are such a fix-it society, we think we are supposed to help the person feel better, instead of just listening to what someone is saying.' Alternatively, we often avoid people who are vulnerable or in need because we feel uncomfortable with their emotions, she says.
Perhaps the most difficult conversation of all involves breaking the news of a loved one's death. Grief counselors say to deliver the news simply and quickly -- in one or two sentences, and in as private a setting as possible. Wait while the person absorbs the shock, then offer your support.
But how? I asked my grieving family members. My Uncle Sidney, Arthur's father, said he was comforted in the days and weeks after the funeral when people sent emails or called.
'Unhelpful,' he says, 'is being told, 'You're not supposed to bury your child' or 'He was so young!''
My cousin Sarah, Arthur's sister, said she appreciated getting multiple phone calls, emails or texts from friends who didn't pressure her to respond. Instead, they just said they would call again. 'There is something comforting about not needing to talk or respond, but knowing that the support will be offered again the next day,' she says.
When Christine White's husband died suddenly two years ago, neighbors and friends tried to express their condolences. They called to ask what happened and how she was doing. They showed up with food: taco casseroles, barbecued beef, fried chicken. And they offered help, in some cases telling her to let them know what she needed.
Ms. White found all of it annoying. The inquiries about her husband's death made her rehash her pain, she says, while questions about how she was faring made her feel she had to lie and say she was fine. She had no appetite and gave most of the incoming food to her dogs. 'They were such cookie-cutter responses,' says Ms. White, 36, who owns a spa-products company in Lewisville, Texas. 'They weren't helpful.'
What did give her comfort, she says, was a spiritual poem that she received from a woman who had also lost her husband. And she found solace in a box of glass 'worry angels' from a cousin and a link to the song 'Held,' by Natalie Grant, sent by a friend.
So what is the right way to comfort someone who is grieving? Here are some suggestions, culled from grief experts and people who have lost a loved one:
Say something simple. 'I am sorry to hear the news' will suffice at first. Then, on an ongoing basis, 'I am thinking of you.'
Admit that you don't know what to say, says Ms. Walker, the grief educator.
Don't ask, 'What happened?' 'You are making the grieving person relive pain,' says Ms. White, who lost her husband.
Don't launch into a detailed account of your loss of a loved one. 'Give them just enough to let them know that you can relate,' says Ms. Walker. 'What you are trying to say is, 'I lost my mother, too. What is it like for you?' '
Avoid cliches. That includes, 'Good things come from bad,' 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and 'He's at peace now.' Ms. Walker says they're 'preachy, presumptuous and impersonal.'
Don't claim to know how the grieving person feels. You don't. Don't suggest that the mourner 'move on.' Stay away from words such as 'ought,' 'should' and 'need.' You may want to say, 'I can only imagine what you are going through.'
Follow the mourning family's lead regarding Facebook. Have they posted about the death? If they haven't, don't expose their grief. Should you decide to use Facebook, simply express condolences or share a memory. Do not discuss circumstances of the death.
Keep your religious beliefs to yourself unless you are sure that the person you are trying to comfort shares them. (It is OK simply to say that you will keep the family in your prayers.)
If you are reaching out or offering help, don't expect a response. Explain that you are checking in but understand that the mourner may not be able to get back to you and so you will call again.
Promise to be there in the coming weeks and months. And keep your promise.
A Modern Condolences Guide
People often are at a loss for how to express sympathy and offer comfort to someone who is grieving the death of a loved one, both immediately after the death and weeks or months later. Here are some tips.
-- Reach out. But don't let email or texting take the place of an in-person visit or phone call. Remember, much of what we find comforting -- tone of voice, eye contact, touch -- is nonverbal.
-- Listen. Follow the mourner's lead. Let the person talk about what is important to him.
-- Share a memory. For someone who is grieving, hearing about things the loved one said and did, and what they meant to others, is comforting.
-- Offer practical help. Can you assist with funeral planning? Babysitting? Mowing the lawn? Most people don't ask for help because they don't want to seem needy.
-- Ask before bringing a lot of food. What do the mourners want or need? It doesn't have to be fancy -- perhaps milk, eggs or orange juice?
-- Give something that will live on. Consider skipping the flowers. Perhaps share a memento, or make a charitable donation to honor the deceased.
Elizabeth Bernstein
I felt this acutely after my cousin, Arthur, died unexpectedly in his sleep a few weeks ago. Although I was deeply sad myself, I wanted to offer support to his mother, father, wife and sister. But what words or gestures might help them, not just before and during the funeral but also day-in and day-out as they continue to mourn? How can I avoid making them feel worse? Should I call a lot, visit, write emails? Talk about my fond memories of my cousin? Share my own grief? Or should I leave them alone and give them space?
'There is a skill to comforting, but we are not taught it,' says Val Walker, a grief educator and author of 'The Art of Comforting.' 'We are such a fix-it society, we think we are supposed to help the person feel better, instead of just listening to what someone is saying.' Alternatively, we often avoid people who are vulnerable or in need because we feel uncomfortable with their emotions, she says.
Perhaps the most difficult conversation of all involves breaking the news of a loved one's death. Grief counselors say to deliver the news simply and quickly -- in one or two sentences, and in as private a setting as possible. Wait while the person absorbs the shock, then offer your support.
But how? I asked my grieving family members. My Uncle Sidney, Arthur's father, said he was comforted in the days and weeks after the funeral when people sent emails or called.
'Unhelpful,' he says, 'is being told, 'You're not supposed to bury your child' or 'He was so young!''
My cousin Sarah, Arthur's sister, said she appreciated getting multiple phone calls, emails or texts from friends who didn't pressure her to respond. Instead, they just said they would call again. 'There is something comforting about not needing to talk or respond, but knowing that the support will be offered again the next day,' she says.
When Christine White's husband died suddenly two years ago, neighbors and friends tried to express their condolences. They called to ask what happened and how she was doing. They showed up with food: taco casseroles, barbecued beef, fried chicken. And they offered help, in some cases telling her to let them know what she needed.
Ms. White found all of it annoying. The inquiries about her husband's death made her rehash her pain, she says, while questions about how she was faring made her feel she had to lie and say she was fine. She had no appetite and gave most of the incoming food to her dogs. 'They were such cookie-cutter responses,' says Ms. White, 36, who owns a spa-products company in Lewisville, Texas. 'They weren't helpful.'
What did give her comfort, she says, was a spiritual poem that she received from a woman who had also lost her husband. And she found solace in a box of glass 'worry angels' from a cousin and a link to the song 'Held,' by Natalie Grant, sent by a friend.
So what is the right way to comfort someone who is grieving? Here are some suggestions, culled from grief experts and people who have lost a loved one:
Say something simple. 'I am sorry to hear the news' will suffice at first. Then, on an ongoing basis, 'I am thinking of you.'
Admit that you don't know what to say, says Ms. Walker, the grief educator.
Don't ask, 'What happened?' 'You are making the grieving person relive pain,' says Ms. White, who lost her husband.
Don't launch into a detailed account of your loss of a loved one. 'Give them just enough to let them know that you can relate,' says Ms. Walker. 'What you are trying to say is, 'I lost my mother, too. What is it like for you?' '
Avoid cliches. That includes, 'Good things come from bad,' 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and 'He's at peace now.' Ms. Walker says they're 'preachy, presumptuous and impersonal.'
Don't claim to know how the grieving person feels. You don't. Don't suggest that the mourner 'move on.' Stay away from words such as 'ought,' 'should' and 'need.' You may want to say, 'I can only imagine what you are going through.'
Follow the mourning family's lead regarding Facebook. Have they posted about the death? If they haven't, don't expose their grief. Should you decide to use Facebook, simply express condolences or share a memory. Do not discuss circumstances of the death.
Keep your religious beliefs to yourself unless you are sure that the person you are trying to comfort shares them. (It is OK simply to say that you will keep the family in your prayers.)
If you are reaching out or offering help, don't expect a response. Explain that you are checking in but understand that the mourner may not be able to get back to you and so you will call again.
Promise to be there in the coming weeks and months. And keep your promise.
A Modern Condolences Guide
People often are at a loss for how to express sympathy and offer comfort to someone who is grieving the death of a loved one, both immediately after the death and weeks or months later. Here are some tips.
-- Reach out. But don't let email or texting take the place of an in-person visit or phone call. Remember, much of what we find comforting -- tone of voice, eye contact, touch -- is nonverbal.
-- Listen. Follow the mourner's lead. Let the person talk about what is important to him.
-- Share a memory. For someone who is grieving, hearing about things the loved one said and did, and what they meant to others, is comforting.
-- Offer practical help. Can you assist with funeral planning? Babysitting? Mowing the lawn? Most people don't ask for help because they don't want to seem needy.
-- Ask before bringing a lot of food. What do the mourners want or need? It doesn't have to be fancy -- perhaps milk, eggs or orange juice?
-- Give something that will live on. Consider skipping the flowers. Perhaps share a memento, or make a charitable donation to honor the deceased.
Elizabeth Bernstein
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